31 Day Challenge: Home

I got stuck on Home
Trying to create images of what I want home to be.
I got lost trying to find it
In the past, in the future, daydreaming or waxing nostalgic.
I tried to paint a picture of a sunlit kitchen
But I couldn't see past the holes in the walls.
I would describe dancing to music through housework,
But I couldn't hear past the sobs in the bathroom.
I got stuck on Home
Yet as I tried to create my heart's picture
The darker the hope grew around me
Until I couldn't see life for the walls.

I got stuck at Home
So I went out looking for ways to fix it.
Home is where you feel welcome and comfortable.
Maybe I can do that.
Daddy, here's your coffee, it's just the way you like it.
Let me stay here in your office if I find a good excuse.
Home is where they accept you unconditionally.
Maybe I can make that.
Momma, you can't leave him, no one else would want you,
But if you want another life, leave me also when you go.
Home is where they hold you when you're hurting.
Maybe I can find that.
Mom I'll touch your shoulder even if you can't touch mine,
And if I need someone to cry on, someone always offers
Just be back before the morning and no one has to know.

I got stuck in Home
As I picture mom at the table with her Bible open,
Coffee in hand, dishes unwashed, hair unbrushed
Telling me; "I'm lost without God's Word in the morning."
All I can think is "Are you sure, Momma?
'Cause the next time you throw the paddle at us it'll be lost too.
And not 'under the bed' or 'buried in the garden' lost."
I got stuck in Home
As I remember Dad in his office
Lost in a book, hiding in the pages of the past or fantastic
Escaping from the stresses that he shouldn't have to deal with,
Deaf to the stories outside his own head.
I got stuck in Home
As my brother stopped arguing, stopped stealing, stopped fighting
Until he stopped talking and just picked at his scabs
His pillows he bloodied, his sheets they were bloody
They yelled and he picked and they yelled at him more.
I got stuck in Home.
All problems were my problem, the problem I caused.
I had kept them together when they wanted freedom
I had sought him for succor when I wanted love.
I got stuck in Home
And I had to fix it, fix it and take on the burdens I caused.

I got stuck with Home
Its jammed now on repeat
The past and the present and the future I fear.
I got stuck with Home
It's how I learn forgiveness
Because Home is where the Hurt is,
It's where I learn repentance
For the pain that I inflict
It's where I show that grace lives
For pain and hurt were prerequisites
For understanding people and learning how to live.
I got stuck with Home
For it is still the harbor for my little thing with feathers
Until my soul is healed enough to bear it on its own.

31 Day Challenge: Embrace

What emboldens me so;
to reach across my heart and release
a smile deeper than has yet seen light of day?

My arms wrap a frozen soul
and my own breath is not enough
to ease these wracking, fearful shivers.

I long to revive my heart,
you distract my attempts to breath
my own warmth to thaw its permafrost. 

An embrace like no other
warms my flesh, soothes my brow
as old fears are stirred into wonderment.

Warmth trickles down,
past the lump in my throat,
whispering a hope for spring seeds.

Dear Son,

I pray you will be strong and gentle,

That your greatest battles will be with your mind and heart,

And your fiercest weapons are hope and love.

Be a warrior my son, and don't be afraid of anger and pain,

They are the bedfellows of justice and understanding.

Woo kindness and mercy,

For they will bless you with greater riches

Than the pursuit of prosperity and luck.

I pray you find love.

But while you look, remember, love is not a person,

It is an art to be honed and practiced in all recesses of the world.

I pray you will think deeply, love deeply, dream deeply.

But when the day comes that your dreams are crushed

When your picture of love is indistinguishable,

When your thoughts become jumbled and unruly;

When darkness falls and you're blind from fear,

When you've misplaced your sword

I will still lay my head next to yours

And softly kiss your brow,

I will pray.

31 Day Challenge: Capture

Capture my interest you capture my thoughts
Capture my thoughts you capture my heart
Capture my heart you capture my soul.

Capture my soul, you have my hand
Capture my hand, you have my life.
Capture my life... Oh to capture my life.

I long to be hostage to a heart and hand.
Yet, I long to be free,
to wander alone with only the wind whispering in my ear.

Capture me, chase and beguile me.
Captivate and claim me
But set me free on a sun beset moor and place your heart on a hill.

Capture me, raptured by your heart on the hill in the distance.
Capture me, striving to close the gap.
Capture me, each night as I reach out to grasp you setting beyond the hill.

31 Day Challenge: Family

Family,... Familiar,... Famila...

What is family?  A Latin word meaning those in a household. It is the familiar. We are with family when we surround ourselves with those familiar to us. We seek comfort and solace in the familiar and long for it during times of change and upheaval. Family.

For good, or for ill, we seek the familiar. That is where we are most comfortable. That is where we feel we belong. This is true even when the familiar is unhealthy.  As our life progresses the people and patterns of life around us flow across the bedrock of our souls into the well of our being. The direction, the amount, the speed the water flows all help dictate the path of the trickle and as time goes on the trickles wear away the rock cutting rivulets and beds into the stone. Soon, even when the water changes direction, the past lifestyles and patterns guide the water.  The detrimental lifestyles, the unstable people we are familiar with create canyons in our soul that influence how we relate to the rest of life around us. When the familiar is chaotic, we seek out or create chaos in our lives. When the familiar is destructive and unpredictable we learn to either be destructive ourselves or to get out of the way with minimal damage.  When the familiar is loving and generous we see other loving and generous people and seek to give those things back to the world.

What is family? Family is how we polish the bedrock of our soul so that we glisten and shine in the sun as life splashes over us.

31 Day Challenge: Calling

I turned the shower to cold and stood there a while imagining. This was my practice for the waterfall I would have to wash in when I got to the Andes. There I would set up a mission, teach children english and bible stories with my husband. It would be just like Elizabeth Elliott. Our brave sacrifices would be talked about at home and the good works would be praised for the sake of the gospel. That was the day dream. the daily shower dream. But that wasn't the calling I recieved.
As we sang in worship and the power points flickered I prayed for my high school, for revival. The ring of fire from the screen warmed my face as I heard it say;
"There.  That's where I want you."
"Yes God, I'll be there for a few more months but after that I have to go to college. I'll do what I can..."
"I want you to teach there."
"Ha. I'm never coming back to that town again. Maybe I'll teach, but let me teach in another country. Or in the inner city with troubled kids. People with real problems. Not these arrogant jerks."
"There."
"There?"
"There."
"Ok God, we'll see. You'll have to prove it, but in the mean time, I'll major in education."
Excuse after excuse, I stopped hearing God. First it was just his silence when I prayed while I wrestled with my call. Soon I stopped hearing him in anything. I did what I thought was fair and right but eventually despair, and disappointment, and disbelief set in. The call became a whisper and slowly faded away.

31 Day Challenge Preface

Dear Reader,
This evening my lovely sister-in-law, Juanita, showed me a 31 day blog challenge. I am excited to flex my muscles and stretch my fingers over the keyboard after my long, long, creative winter. Now, the challenge is to write for 5 minutes on the given topic and not self-edit. That is like looking my perfectionism and insecurities in the face and saying "Bring it!"  As today is the first day, lets see what hodge-podge of crazy I can crank out on the topic of "Calling." Wish me luck!