31 Day Challenge: Home

I got stuck on Home
Trying to create images of what I want home to be.
I got lost trying to find it
In the past, in the future, daydreaming or waxing nostalgic.
I tried to paint a picture of a sunlit kitchen
But I couldn't see past the holes in the walls.
I would describe dancing to music through housework,
But I couldn't hear past the sobs in the bathroom.
I got stuck on Home
Yet as I tried to create my heart's picture
The darker the hope grew around me
Until I couldn't see life for the walls.

I got stuck at Home
So I went out looking for ways to fix it.
Home is where you feel welcome and comfortable.
Maybe I can do that.
Daddy, here's your coffee, it's just the way you like it.
Let me stay here in your office if I find a good excuse.
Home is where they accept you unconditionally.
Maybe I can make that.
Momma, you can't leave him, no one else would want you,
But if you want another life, leave me also when you go.
Home is where they hold you when you're hurting.
Maybe I can find that.
Mom I'll touch your shoulder even if you can't touch mine,
And if I need someone to cry on, someone always offers
Just be back before the morning and no one has to know.

I got stuck in Home
As I picture mom at the table with her Bible open,
Coffee in hand, dishes unwashed, hair unbrushed
Telling me; "I'm lost without God's Word in the morning."
All I can think is "Are you sure, Momma?
'Cause the next time you throw the paddle at us it'll be lost too.
And not 'under the bed' or 'buried in the garden' lost."
I got stuck in Home
As I remember Dad in his office
Lost in a book, hiding in the pages of the past or fantastic
Escaping from the stresses that he shouldn't have to deal with,
Deaf to the stories outside his own head.
I got stuck in Home
As my brother stopped arguing, stopped stealing, stopped fighting
Until he stopped talking and just picked at his scabs
His pillows he bloodied, his sheets they were bloody
They yelled and he picked and they yelled at him more.
I got stuck in Home.
All problems were my problem, the problem I caused.
I had kept them together when they wanted freedom
I had sought him for succor when I wanted love.
I got stuck in Home
And I had to fix it, fix it and take on the burdens I caused.

I got stuck with Home
Its jammed now on repeat
The past and the present and the future I fear.
I got stuck with Home
It's how I learn forgiveness
Because Home is where the Hurt is,
It's where I learn repentance
For the pain that I inflict
It's where I show that grace lives
For pain and hurt were prerequisites
For understanding people and learning how to live.
I got stuck with Home
For it is still the harbor for my little thing with feathers
Until my soul is healed enough to bear it on its own.