Worry

Yesterday we went to the beach. A friend invited us with them and I am so grateful. Little Man, and I had more fun than I remember having at a beach before. Once the wind and sun became too much we decided to go to the boardwalk. Generally, I avoid places that are only fun if you have money to spend. The boardwalk is one of those places; shops, arcades, restaurants are the main attractions. Fun in the sand and surf are much easier and cheaper to enjoy at state parks. Still, the friend wanted to go, and I was along for the ride – we certainly didn’t want to go home yet! As we were walking the last place we came to was a small amusement park. I was hoping to just walk past and not draw attention to the rides and games sure to lure my three-year-old but it seems we were destined to stop in front and then circle it to find bathrooms. Keith was being so good. He didn’t ask to go on any rides but I saw him eyeing them hungrily. I had told him no to several things already so I decided to splurge $5 on tickets.

I asked what ride he wanted first. He zoned in on the Farris Wheel. The cars, boats, even the carousel were right in front of us but the small Farris Wheel off in the corner caught his eye and enthusiasm. I have never seen him so excited. We squeezed in (it was for little kids).
“Mommy! It’s going up! Yay. Yay Yay Yay, Yay!”

“Yeah, it’s going up.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “You can see all the rides from up here. How ‘bout you pick out the next ride you want to go on?”

The excitement on my little man’s face was quickly replaced by a flash of anxiety. I recognized that look. As he started looking out the side, uncertain of his choice, I realized I was training him to worry. This beautiful little man was enjoying his first taste of an amusement park ride. His face was full of joy as he went “up - up to the sky!” How dare I take it away from him? Why was I so uncomfortable enjoying his moment with him?  

There are not many moments in my life when I haven’t been looking to the future instead of enjoying the present. I don’t know why I get stuck thinking about the future but I know I’m in good company. In fact, Christ even tells his disciples; “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble if its own.” Matt 6:34. It seems so simple when He puts it that way. Yet, I’m left praying, “How?” I am a visual and kinesthetic (hands-on) learner… I don’t get it. It’s nice to be told I don’t need to worry. But, please Lord, show me!

He has been showing me, and with each release of a concern to Him He has filled its hole in my mind and heart with peace. There are so many lessons! Sometimes it feels a large boulder has been lifted from my shoulders – like when He taught me to tithe on an income less than I needed pay my bills. Other times, it feels like a slow trickle of sand being released through my fingers – as, for example, He teaches me to lean on Him in the uncertainty of singleness. Yet, the Father knows the clearest way to get my attention is through my son.  How much has my constant looking to the future affected him?  Does he feel my restlessness in our present circumstances?

I squeezed his shoulder. “Actually Baby, lets save picking our next ride for when we get off.”

“Thanks, Mommy.” He relaxed and the look of joy returned to his face. As we climbed “up-up to the sky” he looked around in excitement pointing out things below us… and I bit my impulse to tell him it was going to be ok.